The Secret Life of Wolff

Flannel, Glassware, and Expiry Dates

2008-04-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while. I'm putting that out there straight away, let's not dance around and skirt the issue, I have been laz-y. But with all the long weekends, shitty uni assignments, and the end of summer, who has time to blog? Obviously not me.

If you read a couple of my last posts, you would know how much dificulty I was having in obtaining the quintessential aussie garment - the flannel shirt. Well, to my delight I found a couple of these beatuies at K Mart a few weeks ago, and went for the smallest size they had - S. I thought this might be a bit tight, but hey - isnt that the look? Tightish around the gut, sauce stain on the chest area, smokes in the pocket? So I put my flannel on that night, and WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AUSTRALIA!!!??? HOW FUCKING FAT ARE WE!!! this size small is SWIMMING on me!!! I'm no Biggest Loser candidate, but at the same time I'm not built like a paperclip, and the size Small could fit me three times over I reckon!! This is the last thing I expected from an aussie garment. We are straight up and down people, where small means small, big means big, and we don't beat around the bush. So I ask, am I un-Australian-ly small, or are Australians getting un-Australian-ly fat? I'm going with the latter option.

Glassware. What the fuck, I open up the cupboard this evening to get a drink, I couldnt choose a glass! There are 47 different glasses in the cupboard! How do you choose?!?! I say to Rhiannon "we really need to chuck out some of these glasses", she responds with "we use them when people come over" FOURTY SEVEN DIFFERENT GLASSES!!!!! How many fucking people are we having over!!!!!!! If 47 people ever come to my house at once, I'm leaving. Public message to all my friends - DONT COME OVER AND USE OUR GLASSES!!! IF YOU COME AND USE ALL 47, I'LL HAVE TO FUCKING WASH THEM!!!

How shit is it that vegetables go off. You always hear health experts say the less refined and pure a food is, the less value it has for you, and more likely to contain badness like fat and sugar. So what is up with canned food outlasting nuclear blasts, while you smash a pumpkin in half and whack a bit of glad wrap over it and it lasts a week! Instead of putting shit in the crisper now I'm digging a hole in the backyard, and throwing all our vegies and milk in there. And just throwing the meat on the lawn. Surely if its left in its own environment it should last longer. Failing that I'm going to turn my fridge into a giant tin can.

Qat-aren't

2008-02-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

50,000 mates and I rocked up to the Telstra Dome last night to see the Socceroos take on Qatar (or Guitar as we called them) to mark the start of the World Cup qualification process. We decided to show our allegiances by wearing Australian flags as capes, which poses a bunch of questions about respecting your flag. For instance, Jonny let his flag touch the ground, which Duke promptly informed means "in scouts if that happens you have to sweep the hall". Awesome. If letting it touch the ground is bad, imagine what passing wind on it, or allowing it on one of Melbourne's trains is like!

Check out Jonny inserting his ticket! (Note: Not a metaphor)

We were positioned in the green and gold army, their only weapons seemed to be a whistle that was right f**king behind my head. I didnt know whether to cheer along or turn around and knock the pricks head off. We soon discovered Guitar weren't very good, and probably only came here for the holiday and the duty free shopping. This was proven when 9 minutes in we saw their goalie (who looked like Dikembe Mutombo) asking fans about the best way to get to Puffing Billy.

We saw Dukes exact double last night, it was a weird experience. This other guy was a bit cleaner though. When they both saw each other their eyes locked for a moment, and then there was almost a look of disgust come across their faces. Grosse.

We spent some time at the train station at the end of the night, here is proof. This is a weird Matrix style photo, taken just as Jonny was morphing to climb in Ben's mouth.

Doesnt everyone look better in capes??

Housefire blamed on Cats!

2008-02-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

In other news, here's my Saturday night in a nutshell. () That is a nutshell.

So saturday arvo rolls around, and I leave the BBQ I'm at to go and pick Bear up from his place. I explain that my petrol light has come on, which means I should fill up or stop driving within 20kms. I explained to Bear that I couldnt be arsed getting petrol, so we would try to go to my house without filling up, which was about 30kms away.

It was a nervous trip home, but we made it, and celebrated with a couple of stubbies. (Not the shorts)

We were soon joined by Duke, at which point we began our main mission for the night - finish Star Wars Lego on xbox360. We did not fail ladies and gents, I now have one more thing to put on my resume next time I go for a job.

Occupation : Professional Video Game Champion
Dates: 17.05.1984 - Current

Responsibilities: Being awesome, mashing buttons, throwing controllers, being awesome.

Anyway, so we had a lot of stubbies, played more xbox, until Janelle (Bear's g/f) decided to throw up in a gutter at the party she was at about 10kms away. So we jump in the chariot to head down there, and found two girls on the side of the road along the way.

This is them :

This is us:
Note my hat. Here is another photo of it:

That about concludes the events. My hat is cool.

Oh, before I go, someone has asked if its possible to post comments..Well it should be, but I cant figure it out..I'm working on it though.

Living Life on the Edge

2008-01-31T14:38:00.000-08:00

I dont know about you, but there are often times in my day-to-day where I think "yeah, Im hardcore" (mostly when I think about my blog. Blogs are hadcore. 50 Cent probably has one, and he is a full on gangsta). I had one such experience yesterday. Two actually. Wednesday morning I dropped my good suit and shirt off at the Dry Cleaners, because I needed it for a meeting Thursday. So Luigi tells me it wont be ready til Thursday morning...Thats cool Luigi, see you then. So Thursday morning I shower as normal, and then realise I don't know what to put on, given that I'm going to pick up my suit on the way to work. So I dress in panties, footy shorts and a singlet and head off on my journey. I arrive at Luigi's where my suit is waiting, clean and proud, alongside its old mate, my shirt. I then explain to Luigi that since he couldnt clean my garments earlier, I now need a place to change into my 'bag o fruit' as they call it. Luigi wasn't particularly keen, but eventually led me to around behind the clothes racks, where I made the transformation into respectable Riley. Whats more, Luigi had to tie my tie for me! That ladies and gentlemen, is called being hardcore. I bet 50 Cent doesn't even get changed at the dry cleaners. I live life on the edge, in the danger zone, and I'm indicating right now to get into the fast lane. The second instance of me being totally radical and bodacious occured at the end of my meeting in Tullamarine yesterday. Events concluded about 2:30, and I made the executive decision that I wouldnt be returning to the office for the remainder of the day. I drove straight past work at about 3:24pm, with plenty of time to go back and do an hour or two of work, but no, I am a rebel. An outlaw, a hardcore type person. I bet 50 Cent doesnt even do that. Yes, I'm tough.
Shove it.

A Poor Reflection of the state of Australia

2008-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Australia Day to you all.

As some of you will be aware, I have searched high and low this week for a flannel shirt. All I have found is dissapointment and anguish where flannel shirts should have been.

I have come to realise what a sad reflection it is on our country, that flannel shirts are no longer now readily available, especially in "Australia Week".
What happened to the good old days where everyone loved flannel, and the beloved shirts could be found in any number of stores? I'll tell you what happened. Australian men got soft. As soft as their moisturised hands and their Pantene Pro V massaged hair. The same way a flannel shirt used to proudly hang from the racks, these days those same racks are home to all things fluro.
I blame not only the youth of Australia, but also the government of this country. I blame the media, I blame metrosexuals.

In what is supposed to be our proudest week as a nation, I feel ashamed and disgusted. I can only hope that flannels somehow make a return to our shelves by the time the greatest day of the year rolls around, Anzac Day.

That is all.

The Illusive Blue and White Flannel

2008-01-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

Like a desperate fisherman trauling the mirky waters of a land once home to the most captivating of creatures, but now thought to be home to only a handful of endangered species, I cast a line into the Fountain Gate K Mart last night, using desire for bait, and a passion for flannel to guide me. I had Rhiannon on the flank being my eyes and ears, and it wasn't long before we were right in the area of a few good size blue and whites...They took the line, we reeled em in, but unfortunately all had to be thrown back due to size issues. However I've received a strong tip this morning that the untapped waters of K Mart Boronia may have stocks of the dying breed, so I will be off to dip my line in later today. More updates to follow! Ole!

Flannel - Just Do It.

2008-01-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

So I've decided that before this year is out, I will own at least one flannel shirt. I actually wanted one last year, but got talked out of it. I'll keep you updated.

We came, We saw, We drank and got wet.

2008-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

Welcome ladies and gents to todays blog entry. Here's a recap of my weekends activities so far...

I spent Saturday discovering that my body can't do the things it used to be able to (no, not that). I grabbed an old skateboard and tried to recapture my glory days of 1999 (yes, i partied like it) and after a couple of savage bruises and lumps coming out on my ankle realised that my best days are past me. This is what it feels like to be old. So I went inside and put my slippers on.

So the journey of last night was to take us to Hyde bar (its mandatory that 1 in 4 posts on here has to be about Hyde) to see Jonny Pearler and Snake DJ.

Before we get down to business, fresh kicks for the wet night in Melbourne:

Glorious aren't they?
This is Bear:

Silly Bear is trying to talk through a bottle.

One of the crettins (or ghosts) from Ghostbusters was partying up a storm!

Bit of Pip:

So after some good times and ooncy music, and too many beers, it was time to go..In my euphoric state I somehow punched myself in the eye (seriously, I did) :

So we brave the wet weather getting back to the car, and as we get back in the chariot to head home (via Maccas) I am presented with a full capsule of beer. I dont normally like to drink on the way home, but if Bear hands you a drink, you drink it.

All in all a solid night emerged from the coccoon that was a rainy night in Melbourne..

Big ups to Marcus, Philth, and also Rhi for driving..

Cricket Madness

2008-01-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

So after the Sydney test match people like John Bertrand and the Australian Legends Committee or Hall of Fame committee or some rubbish demanded that the Aussie cricketers tone down their antics and play in the right spirit of the game...This was a reaction to what? An umpire paying a catch when an Indian player didnt hit the ball? Clarke "maybe not" catching a ball that no camera angle caught? Nevermind that both captains said before the game they would be honest, and now Kumble and his mates aren't accepting Clarke saying he caught the ball...
I could be wrong, but is it not up to the umpires to make the decisions? Or are they paid to stand and just watch? Do we hold footballers as accountable? Let's say Darren Glass puts his hand in Barry Hall's back, does he go straight to the umpire and demand he is awarded a free kick against? Is he condemned in the press for not standing on the mark immediately, before a decision has been made? Bottom line is, umpires are paid to make decisions. Players are paid to win. That's an important sentence.
All this talk that sport isn't war and the Aussies should calm down is ridiculous. They are paid, and paid well, to win. I don't think any of them get bonuses for being liked by opponents. And its funny that now they are playing sport down like "its just a game, its not war" yet anytime a player is dropped or sacked or traded (in other codes of sport) the old cliche comes out "sport is a business these days". Which is it, a game or a business?
For decades we have loved to see our sports teams achieve greatness on a global scale, and the Aussie cricket team has dominated its competition for 20 years, and now, on the eve of breaking the record for the most test match wins in a row, we condemn them for being too aggressive? For trying too hard?

Daddy's Back!

2008-01-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

hey everybody, just wanted to let you know that I'm back in effect, after google and blogspot tried to weigh me down in red tape and politics for a couple months (not really, but they did make me change email addys, sign up for more spam, not the good spam in tins either, and do a bunch of other shit)....
So im back, and will start b-logging in the next few days.

Kick game..

2007-08-10T22:10:00.001-07:00

so ive been a bit more lively in the kick game recently, here are some pick ups....

Heart of a Champion

2007-08-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

well its been a while since my last decent post, because my pixelated alter ego 'Fresh Prince' A.K.A Kid Dynamite has been busy dominating the middleweight and light heavyweight divisions of world boxing. Prince has not only captured the middleweight belt, he has successfully stepped up to claim the light heavyweight belt with a rousing, unanimous points victory over Sugar Ray Leonard. Prince couldnt have done this without you, the fans, and would like to thank you all for your continued support. Prince gives new hope to those people who say that truly beautiful, graceful fighters are now extinct, with a perfect mix of power, speed, and decision making, catapulting Prince to the top of the spot.

The fans have got behind Prince throughout his career, and he would now like to show the fans just how much they mean to him, by attempting to make the jump to the heavyweight division - a move critics and fans alike have been hoping for for the last 3 years.

As Prince looks to improve on his already legendary 51-2 record, with 50 knockouts, he looks to the fans to again inspire and show him the way to victory.

Trash Talk - can you handle it?

2007-08-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

the latest trash talk podcast is out now, covering all things NBA, and a new feature sees yours truly presenting a 6 minute segment relating to kicks..so check it out, download available here...

http://podcast.kickz101.com/blog/

Absolut Peach

2007-07-29T06:10:00.001-07:00

The results are in from Peach's 21st last night, and the findings prove that yes, it is possible to feel like your head has a steel pylon through it when you wake up the next morning, after what was one of the greatest 21sts since the big fella, the old Geezus got to the big 2 dash 1. Many highlights, many many, a lot of top shelf, top notch just all round good sorts there, but I think everyones favourite friend for the night was the Dacquiri machine!! wwooww--wwwwweeeee!!!

Before I forget, let me say-
LESSON OF THE DAY

DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT, when drunk, ignore the advice of your less-drunk girlfriend when she says "no Riley, thats shaving balm, NOT toothpaste" dont ignore that, she says it for a reason. (Note: if your girlfriend says "no RILEY..." you'll need to either A) break up with her, because she may in fact be giving another man, me, dental advice, or B) apply what she is saying to yourself. A simple exchange of names in the right spots type scenario). I had the displeasure of brushing my teeth with shaving balm last night,and it was most unpleasant (surprising? no)

Anyway, here's pics!!

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This is not a camera trick, this is how drunk we were at the conclusion of the evening!!

Got Blog?

2007-07-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

well well well, here we are! The good old Sunday morning Blog of the night before..Before we get into that, I'm having a bit of a conscience crisis, allow me to explain more..

SO, I work in an office environment obviously, and there are a lot of people there who seem to pretty much live on, or cant function without coffee. This shits me, because I dont drink coffee and I think its pretty pathetic how these people rely on it so much. (Although its probably a bit like me and porno, but anyway) I've never enjoyed coffee, there is an aftertaste to it that feels similar to what I imagine eating a big scoop of toilet business would taste like. I've always liked Ice Coffee Big M's though, bit odd.
Anyway, recently I was given a coffee by someone at work who bought too many. Free hot drink, it was a bit nippy (cold, not...oh you know what i mean) in the office, so i thought 'what the hell' and drank the coffee. You can imagine the shock and anger I felt when I realised I didnt mind the taste of this flavoured hot water. This from someone who has actively voiced his disgust at coffee drinkers and their reliance on the beverage for years! Ive always been a green tea drinker.
SO, this was about two weeks ago (sorry I didnt blog about it earlier, but I didnt want to alarm anyone until I had some substantial and conclusive findings) and in the last couple of weeks I've been having a coffee probably once every two days. I'm drinking one now!!!
SO, my conundrum is this. Should I continue to spiral into the depths of reliance on this once so strongly opposed beverage? Or should I stand defiant in the face of welcoming warmth and caffeine, and stick with my lifelong friend Green Tea?

Just as a little footnote, my (Still drunk) girlfriend has just ridiculed me for the cup of coffee that is sitting in front of me.

Back to the blog...
Its been a quiteish week for me, Wednesday night the highlight when a few of us gathered at my house to watch the Danny Green fight. Green wasnt actually fighting in my lounge, but if he was he would have got a run for his money, I've got skills. So we all had a couple of beers and watched the fight, fun evening.

last night headed to a cocktail party with some friends of Rhiannons, and while I played (and lost) PS2 with a seventeen year old all night, Rhi was getting off her wondor drinking all sorts of stuff. We left about 11pm to journey into St Kilda to meet friends at Metropol, and arrived about 12.

I was lucky enough to snare a photo with superstar Jet Ski rider and entrepeuner Gavin Lawley

There was a bit of pippy in attendence, check out these little beauties, phwoar!

Note :By this time Rhiannon had nicely topped up her blood alcohol readings by another couple fo vodkas...

It wasnt all fun and games though ladies and gents, luckily we had two nurses in the area when disaster struck for Mark Howell, with a bright yellow 'flant' (flying ant) type creature (could be a marsupial) burrowing its way into his ever inviting left ear cavity. We were only able to capture one picture of the incident, but this picture shows the pain was obviously excruciating!

Rollercoaster

2007-07-15T04:17:00.001-07:00

so my weekend started out good. Spent all Thursday night finishing (and starting) an assignment i had known about for 2 months, and Friday arvo went to the post office to get it postmarked at 4:45, a whole 15 minutes before it was due. Walked out of the post office feeling like a King, only for the imaginary crown to be smashed off my head by the fact that my alarm remote wouldnt let me in my car. So standing in the rain, and pressing the button for a good couple of minutes, I decide that even though it will sound my alarm, I will open the car with the key. Sure enough, alarm goes spacko, and now im sitting in my car with people staring at me. So i pop the bonnet, and try to disconnect the battery, only I dont have a spanner. Run into the $2 shop, buy a spanner, come out, disconnect the battery, and wait. Decide to join the RACV, and for a hefty $181 they tell me someone will be there within TWO HOURS!!! all the while my plans of a date with my girlfriend are slipping away in a hurry. So I sit there for about an hour, and the RACV man comes and fixes it in about 3 minutes. great.

Anyway, got home 2 hours late, went to chaddy, and spent way too much cash..just dumb. ah well.

Anyway, my weekend didnt get much more exciting than that, I even had time to take photos of all my kicks individually, so that i can put the photos on the outside of the box...Here is a SAMPLE

Had a couple of new additions to the family on the weekend as well

More Text Below!

2007-07-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

wow, what a weekend! started out pretty slow with a relaxed Friday night (gave painting the arse, couldnt be bothered) but Saturday rolled around and just about knocked my socks off!

Midday saw us going to Chadstone for a spot of shopping, and one hour after arriving I was leaving with two more t shirts than I walked in with, and thanks to Rhiannons generosity, the same amount of dollars that I walked in with. It was really nice of Rhi to steal those t shirts for me! Haha...

Onto Vaughans house, and then shortly after the pub, where Mighty Mick won a first up 20 clams on the nags. We spent the arvo playing Cluedo and emptying kegs.

Then we had possibly the worlds biggest kebabs for dinner, before heading into Retro.

I think we were just about the first ones there, and celebrated with beers and Jaeger. I was feeling great, the Super Dry pints were just massaging my tongue and tonsils on the way down and dancing around my body. However 5 or 6 more later and the down came as quick as the up had, my descent into slurred words and staggering was both swift and complete.

Here is a great pic of Jaser and I being amazing humans

All sorts of local celebrities were out for Rhis birthday, among them was Tate 'Tate' Fielder!

And in major news from the night, Bear risked life and limb to free what was later discovered to be a pool cue from big Rhi's anoos area. Amateur photographers caught the crucial moments. Here we see Bear being caught extracting the long wooden stick:

Never the quitter, Bear continues his mission and through blood, sweat, and tears gets the best result for all concerned

Ticket to Blog

2007-07-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Been a pretty good week, it started with our basketball team winning our eight straight game, I think we are about 2 games clear on top of the ladder. Duke has NEVER won a premiership in anything, so will try to win it, and go to DisneyLand!! Or Sizzler. Hahaha Sizzler, that place was shiiiiit. It was my girlfriends birthday on Wednesday, sweet sixteenth. I mean 22nd, haha. Was a good excuse to go out for dinner (not to Sizzler, I have some class thank you. We went to Smorgys, hahaha. We didnt really) and eat cake and all the rest.

Rocky (our rabbit) still has some obvious beef with me, despite me cleaning up after him, feeding him, and "putting a roof over his head". He is allover Rhiannon, just loves her, is affectionate, etc, but as soon as he sits on my lap, he hops around for maybe 10 minutes if I'm lucky, and then just opens up and pisses allover me. He has done it 4 times now I think? He hasnt pissed on anyone else, but as soon as he comes to me, its on like Donkey Kong. Im going to firebomb his house if he keeps this up.

Going out to Retro tomorrow night for Rhi's birthday, her choice of venue. Going out drinking in the afternoon with Geds, big Rhi, Peach and some others at a pub in town somewhere too.

Fun times await tonight, my brother is coming over to help me paint our study. I hate painting. I used to like it because I got instant pay off for my efforts. You can instantly see how much hard work you have done, just by looking at the wall. But now Im just over it. Its a shit, messy, thankless task. Although a few beers should make the time pass.

Our heater is still not working, starting to really get angry. Its got to the point where we are actually opening the fridge to feel some warmth! And running the gauntlet down the hallways past 14 eskimos and a gang of seals is getting harder and harder. You have no idea how painful it is to have your urine snap frozen everytime you try to pee.
Anyway, I dont think there will be a saturday morning rant tomorrow, it will take me too long to chip away the ice from the keyboard. Not Ben Cousins style ice, the frozen water kind.

We're all Lemmings

2007-07-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

I always find it funny (not funny, there's a different word, I just dont know what it is. If you cant tell, I know heaps of words good and stuff. ba. ) that we as humans, injure and kill ourselves so easily, and so frequently. Now, this is definitely not a 'stop the killing' piece, by all means continue, I dont like many of the people that are dying anyway. But, you know as a kid when you played Lemmings and you watched all the different ways they died, I imagine someone (like the aliens, or more realistically, Optimus Prime) watching over Earth and just being baffled at how dumb we are. We invent cars, people crash them and die. We decide to ride horses, we fall off and die. We invent narcotics and other drugs, we use them and die. We invent skyscrapers and tall buildings, we jump off them and die. We invent aircraft, we crash them and die. We invent guns and other weapons to kill ourselves. I just find it _____ (insert correct word. not funny. but something. ok maybe funny) that we are able to find all these new ways of dying. Think about how humourus this must be to the Transformers, or whoever is watching our existence play out.
In the end, we are all just Lemmings without green hair.

Good Friday

2007-06-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

my apologies this didnt make it up in time for my usual Saturday morning piss and moan session, however here it is.

Why is it, that on Good Friday we cant really do ANYTHING. All the shops are shut, there's no footy, people say you arent even supposed to eat meat!!! YET on Anzac Day, shops are open, there is footy, and we are encouraged to have a BBQ. Why the restrictions on all Australians on Good Friday, when not everyone is religious? If you are going to impose restrictions on things we can do (which is bullshit anyway) then do it on Anzac Day, a day that affects ALL Australians. Not Good Friday, a day that I and many other Australians dont give a stuff about. We are so focused and strict on observing a day for a mythical figure and a bunch of folklore, yet the wars that have actually happened, and people that have really died to protect our freedom and our country, get in comparison stuff all. Now, I dont think there should be restrictions on what we can do Anzac Day. I think its great that we can go to the footy, or the pub or wherever, because they fought for our freedom, so we should be enjoying it. What I DO have a problem with, is that Im forced to observe this religious holiday that to be honest I think is a load of shit. We have our priorities f**ked at the moment. I offer no apology to all the catholics or christians or whoever out there. If you want to waste your time on this rubbish go for it, but the decision to take a day out of our lives and observe your rubbish holiday should be optional, and right now it isnt.

History in the making!!

2007-06-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

so, what a historic weekend, with smokers no longer allowed to kill themselves in pubs and clubs in Melbourne. More on that in a minute.

Headed over to see Transformers on friday night with Duke, and all I can say is wwwooooowwww-wwwwwwwweeeeeeeeee!! what a movie!! loved every minute of it. Before the flick Dukes and I went to Aussie Pie Stop (the first of 5 pies for the weekend for me!!) and then at the cinema played one of those skill testers that gives out chocolate. We came, we saw, we ate shitloads of chocolate! It was like taking candy from a large, mechanical, dumb baby. Here is a picture of Duke dominating the machine

Overall I think it was a $4 outlay and we ended up with 11 of the finest chocolates anyone is likely to see.

After the movie we headed in to see MDK at the arthouse, in their E.P. launch. Gav turned up in a fluro pink t shirt which was probably more suited to the confines of Prince than one of Melbournes premier punk rock venues. He felt himself lucky to leave without broken limbs. I felt lucky to leave with two functioning lungs, after passive smoking an entire tobacco field. Although Im not sure my lungs are indeed functioning, there is a strange burning feeling when I breathe, and a lung looking object came out of my mouth when i coughed yesterday...

Speaking of yesterday, I rocked out to the sounds of Gold 104FM while doing the grocery shopping, and the checkout technician asked me "if its ok to put the onions in with the canned goods?" WHAT? WHAT?!?! what sort of question is that?!?!! OF COURSE it isnt!!! In the event that anyone small climbs into my plastic bag to cut the onions, I dont want my canned goods getting watery eyes, you f**king dumb checkout girl!! Seriously though, she asked me that question.

Headed out last night with Bear, Holly and Rhi..Had to drop the girls off at 'The Beach' in Port Melbourne, and Bear and I hunted for a pub that would let us in wearing hoods and looking allround average. Finally found a place called the Railway Hotel in Windsor, had a beer there and watched my Tigers go down to the Saints..From there we were headed to the espy for another beer, however I remembered an old burger place (the place is old, not the burgers. the burgers are cooked to order) on ackland st. I had the Mexican burger, and send picture evidence to Duke to try and piss him off. It worked.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Nothing quite like an 11pm burger on a cold Saturday night. Bear and I both had the mexican burger, which consists of Avocado, Salsa, bacon, lettuce, beef.

Going to see Transformers again later with Rhi, cannot wait!!

Blogtacular!!

2007-06-27T02:48:00.000-07:00

so im sitting here, wondering why I even started uni in the first place, fumbling my way through my first Management essay. And boy am i stinking it up. Memo to self, read the prescribed readings next time. Better yet, campaign that someone makes them into an episode of the Simpsons that I can just watch on my mp7 player. Yes, i said mp7, Im just that far ahead of you all.

There is really no reason for this post, other than for me to actually get some use from my keyboard. Its only gathering dust while I try to write my essay. Its actually getting kind of mossy, and my hands keep sliiiiiiipppppping off when i typeeeee....

I cannot bloody wait for Friday to roll around, not that Ive had a particularly stressful week. Going to see Transformers with some mates after work, then out to see another mates band in their EP launch. Transformers will be great, a mate offered me $50 to dress up like a transformer, but I dont think I'll be taking him up on that. When i was a kid we had a cat called Megatron. True story. We also had a little plant each in the backyard. Mine died when I pulled out my wizzer and soaked it. True story.

Anyway, im going back to my studies, I'll post up some more thrilling sequences of words when the opportunity next arises.

Hyde Bar!

2007-06-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

so we went to Hyde bar last night for big Rhis birthday..Started the night off at Rhis house for a couple of drinks, then made the trip into town, which in its cold and foggy state resembled Gotham City.

After last week being accused of spitting on the bouncer, and then allegedly commenting on his "titties and gut" I was surprised to be allowed immediate entry. I thought perhaps that as soon as I walked in the whole place would be a big cage and there would be monkeys or lions or monkeys riding lions that would beat me up, but it wasnt the case. I was carrying 4kg of steak in my back pocket anyway, just in case I needed a diversion...

Here we can see Ryan 'Duke' Duke (www.myspace.com/notdukey) early in the night looking somewhat interesting, and just hours after this photo was taken, Dukes lips were attached to someone elses.

Josh 'Snake' Conder had himself a busy night dancing and drinking, however luckily found time to sit down with these two lovely ladies and chew the fat.

Ben O'Donnell (www.myspace.com/notbeno) captain of highly fancied Aids United was in attendence, and made time to say hello to an unidentified human. All we can say about this particular individual is that the black line over his eyes does him a lot of favours.

Fat People and Unemployment - a vicious cycle?

2007-06-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

OK, so this got me thinking. When i take a day off work, or am sick or whatever, and go to the shops, there are ALWAYS heaps of large size humans meandering around doing a whole lot of f**k all. Their numbers seem larger (excuse the pun) than that of the average size human, and although their numbers in society are increasing (excuse the pun) there seems to be a high concentration of these fat humans at the shops during the day. Which led me to the conclusion that a large number (excuse the pun) of fat people dont work. Why is this? Well, personally, I wouldnt hire a fat person to work for me. Overweight yes, obese no. It sends the message to prospective employers that you are undisciplined, and lack self control. It sends a message of greed as well I think. BUT are these fat non-workers not working because they are fat, or are they fat because they arent working? Did they get knocked back from jobs despite being at average size, and then turn to the comforts of the ever welcoming Grimace and Hamburglar? Or did they fall in with the wrong crowd at an early age, being trained by Colonel Sanders and his army of spices long before the notion of employment reared its head. These are questions too tough for me to answer, but I ask you all to ponder them at your leisure...

Wolff.

Seriously, its Friday!

2007-06-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

who would have thought, Friday AGAIN!! We've been having Fridays once a week lately, its good!! Im wondering when our luck will run out!! This week has been uneventful in the life of Wolff, a week dominated by homework (Im trying to get my pen license) and officework (Im trying to stay out of Centrelink). AIDS had a great win on Sunday, and we're now in the prelim this weekend which is a massive game, looking forward to it immensely. Also looking forward to going back to Hyde this sat night (AKA 'The Library') for some more drinks and good times, although after getting kicked out last week for having too many overdue books I definitely wont be borrowing any this week. I may just read the periodicals and move myself on. This weekend will also be just about the last time I will go out and have to smell cigarette smoke everywhere I go. Disappointing. I actually like watching people smoke, because its like watching f**kheads kill themselves, which if they were doing by any other matter would be alarming, but death by cigarette is a fantastic thing to watch. Rocky has been a handful this week, escaping his cell repeatedly. Sully has proven to be ineffective as a guard dog, her licking of Rockys head doesn't do much to deter him, and could even be seen as some sort of encouragement. I think Krispy Kreme donuts have given me some sort of tumour, or ouch on my brain. I had two donuts and a milkshake last night, and this morning have a shocking headache and a sore piece in my brain.
To cap off one of the poorest entries in the short life of this blog, I have what appears to be an illness. My throat hurts and I am sneezing regularly. Gazuntite! see, i just sneezed. I hope to be dominating a really small golf course tomorrow, if so I will contribute pictures and humorous anecdotes regarding the experience.
Chenqui!

Road To Glory!

2007-06-17T03:02:00.001-07:00

AIDS United moved one step closer to footballing immortality tonight with a great win over Spartans 3-2. We are in the prelim next Sunday, and hopefully we can get one step closer to the big dance off for the silverware.
www.myspace.com/aidsufc for more details!

The Library!

2007-06-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

headed out last night expecting to go to Workshop, unfortunately the line was pretty long, so Vaughan our tribal leader marched us onward and upward to a couple of places, and in the end we settled on a new club called 'The Library'. Weird name, but they had good beer, and great books!! Here you can see Bear reading Goldie Locks out to the congregation

The whole crew was there, D Black even taking some time off study to join us, thanks Dave. Ryan 'Duke' Duke was a hit with the girls, as seen in this pic

I searched high and low to find the reference materials I needed for an upcoming study on Mongolian rice water, and was obviously pretty happy when I came across these little beauties!!

All in all a fantastic night with some great company, however The Library needs to provide a dedicated quite space for those doing research, and perhaps an adoption of the Duey Decimal System would serve them well in regards to cataloguing of books.

A.D.D. - An excuse for all!!

2007-06-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

A.D.D. Can someone PLEASE email me at wolffenlager@hotmail.com and tell me WHAT THE F**K A.D.D is? Other than the biggest JOKE of a condition/illness/EXCUSE for lazy parents ever dreamed up? "Yeah my son smashes the walls and killed my hubby with a hammer, but its that bloody ADD isnt it" NO, its that you and your family are F**K-HEADS! Whatever your kids do wrong, just blame it on A.D.D. Its A.D.D's fault, not yours. Its not your poor parenting thats to blame. Its not that they have no discipline and live on sugar, no, couldnt be. A Current Affair has stories on dodgy builders, con men, all sorts of dumb sh*t, DO A SHOW ON ADD and what a crock it is. What did parents blame in the old days for their poor parenting? Elvis? The Beatles?
They say that everything in "the old days" was tougher. In this case I agree. In the old days, Im guessing parents had to take some responsibility when their kids threw bricks at the telly, but now, its good old A.D.D.

BANG

Wolffalicious

2007-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

so, Friday..Here we are. Its been a decent week for me, Sunday nights AIDS festivities took their toll, when i woke up on Monday morning my first thoguht was "did i eat a shit last night?" my mouth tasted soooo bad, i thought some neighbourhood kamikaze cats might have decided to crawl into my throat and euthanise themselves. Not to be, turns out a good teeth brushing washed that dirt and grime right off. I think the trick to AIDS nights is , well I dont know. Vaughans second successive AIDS night spewing was a highlight, and i guess it shows that some mistakes are meant to be made more than once. I was happy not to chuck, I dont throw up often. I am however, famous for my ability to pass out.
We had a new addition to the family this week, with a new rabbit moving in. While I campaigned for the name 'Chingy', Rhiannon finally settled on 'Rocky' which I cant argue too hard about. I am pitting Rocky against our dog this weekend in his first professional bout, and while Rocky lacks size, teeth, and ferocity, he has the speed and the ears to trouble his more fancied opponent. Im headed out for a belated bday celebration tomorrow night, i was in hospitable when my bday occured last month. Headed into Workshop which should be fun, hopefully Mark and Bear get on the red again and do something silly. Major thanks to Rhi and Carly for hooking me up with a cheap pair of Jordan III's this weekend, much appreciated. Rhi i will be sure to buy you a (strong) drink tomorrow night, and well when I meet Carly I'll express my gratitude in an appropriate manner..
Before I go, a teaser on tomorrow mornings famous "Wolff gets angry about dumb shit" entry, this week focusing on a lazy parents best friend, A. D. D. Honestly, what the f**k is A.D.D. What did lazy parents use as an excuse for being shit before A.D.D. was invented?

AIDS U FC Awards Night '07

2007-06-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

Well well, the biggest night on the AIDS calendar arrived last night, and did not dissapoint. Josh Conder took home Most Improved, Ryan Duke the Best Clubman, and Vaughan Geddes won his first Mathare Medal for best and fairest.

The night was an overwhelming success, with all the luxuries one might expect from such a fine football team. Guests enjoyed a mixture of local and imported beer, wizz fizz, and 'little boys'.

Here you can see some of the glamour that was present on the night, and also Wolff with the eventual Mathare Medal winner Vaughan Geddes.

The festivities of the night clearly took a toll on an exhasuted Gavin Lawley

Dickos 21st

2007-06-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

I went to a belated 21st for good friend Adam Dixon last night (www.myspace.com/adamdixon1985) who was playing ball in the states when his 21st rolled around late last year. It started out as a cold night, and 7 or 8 beverages didnt seem to induce anything other than slurred words. They certainly didnt bring about the warmth i so desperately craved! Surrounded by some of the best conversationalists I've come across in Casey Chan (www.myspace.com/woopachan) and Chris Payne (www.myspace.com/payne1984) it was a pleasant evening. Good to see Dicko..Heres proof I was there, and not just making this up because I stayed home trawling the net for midget on midget action.

Wolff, Fraser, Lawley buy groceries!!

2007-06-09T00:31:00.000-07:00

AIDS United stars Wolff, Lawley, and Fraser hit the shops in Melbournes outer east this afternoon, in an episode retailers were enthusiastic about. "Yeah the guys came through and spent about 3 minutes in my check out today, bought a bunch of stuff. They didnt say a word about the male head growing from my left shoulder either" said this Melbourne check out technician.

From there the lads headed to longtime friend Dan Murphy for an afternoon beverage, where Jon Fraser picked up the ingredients to make his favourite cocktail "Bathtub full of drink".

In what capped an exciting day for all, Gavin Lawley won the first ever 'Webb St Powerwalk' holding out a clearly exhausted Jon Fraser.

Mathare Medal Count '07

2007-06-08T20:37:00.001-07:00

So we are only one night away from the biggest event on the AIDS United FC calendar (check out aids at www.myspace.com/aidsufc) and the set up for the massive celebrations has already begun. Ill be picking up $600 worth of alcohol later on today with Fraser and possibly Gav, in preparation for what will be a huge night. I'll post some pics and news on purchases made a little later.

Mothers with Prams

2007-06-08T20:05:00.001-07:00

Why do shopping centres now feel that mothers with prams are entitled to priority parking? WHAT THE FUCK makes it so much harder for mothers with prams? the kid is in a pram THAT HAS WHEELS ATTACHED TO IT!!!! its not like prams are made of concrete and just have spikes in place of wheels that dig into the pavement. ITS ON WHEELS. If mothers had to strap prams to their heads and walk along, yeah fine, have your close parking spot.
The other point i make on this is its not at all like being disabled. YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE A KID. When you choose to have a child, you are aware of all the sacrifices you make. Taking longer to get to the shops from your car is one of them. Disabled people dont choose to be so, therefore I agree they should get priority parking, but mothers with prams?!?! im convinced that there are hundreds of fat, stupid young tarts out there getting pregnant for two reasons 1. the baby bonus, where the government in their wisdom think we should be promoting these morons to breed, and 2. priority parking, so it takes them less time to get into Donut King each morning and get fatter and fatter, and living out their dreams as Kath and Kim of the real world.

BANG.